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I keep seeing loving and compassionate people keeping their thoughts and needs to themselves in fear of hurting their partners.

Some common thoughts I’ve been coming across;

“I can just deal with this on my own.”

And I respond with, “Yeah you could, but why choose to do that?”

You’re not in this relationship by yourself!  You’re creating a partnership here, aren’t you?  Why not let your partner, WHO LOVES AND ADORES YOU, know how you’re feeling, so you’re on the same page?  Not saying to hold them accountable for your happiness holding them solely responsible to resolve the problem or anything- just saying, they’d probably really like to know your thoughts.  It’ll help them understand you more fully and may serve to bring you closer.

Again, keeping such thoughts to yourself will only serve to create distance between the two of you, which often leads to a whole cascade of emotions for both parties.  *Gentle reminder: if you’re in a relationship, it’s most likely that you kinda sorta somewhat value PARTNERSHIP and CONNECTION. Not sharing these moments in time actually makes it harder to share the more delightful moments, too.

Or I’ll hear, “I feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing.”

And I’m like, “Well.  Maybe you are!  So what?!  May your partner call you out on it if you are.  And maybe you aren’t!”

If you’re feeling it, it’s probably a kinda big deal to you and that counts.  Your emotions are valid.  Your needs are valid.  Share what you’re feeling and be open to your partner’s feedback.   If you are making a big deal out of nothing, wouldn’t it be great to get that confirmed?  Wouldn’t that help you let go the subject at hand?

Years back I was in a relationship with a totally compassionate being.   It started off with, like, 1 million texts daily.  When the texts dwindled down to only a few each day I felt hurt.  I felt they were no longer interested in me.  After crying my eyes out and demanding more texts, they were like, “I feel like you don’t appreciate me and all I do for you.”  I was shocked!  I wanted to say, “Uh, NO!  You’ve got that backwards!” Here I felt unloved by them and they’re telling me I’m the one being the brat?!

But, alas, they were absolutely right!  The texts had stopped, but I was receiving daily gifts and all sortsa quality time, love, and affection that I wasn’t taking in because I was so focused on the lack of texting!! The display of love had just changed form, is all.  I was having a hard time adjusting to the changes.  I needed to hear that I was being a brat in order to take all the love in and let go of my own insecurities and feelings of abandonment.  It was a dramatic shift in consciousness for me that has only helped me in all relationships I’ve been in since.

On the flip side, what if the lack of texts really was an indicator of lack of interest?  Wouldn’t it be best to discuss it and explore why the lack of interest and work together to resolve that, rather than both parties continuing to live on assumptions?

We co-create our relationships.  I don’t think it’s fair to say, “You need to text me more.”  I think it’s fair to ASK, “What’s going on?  What are the thoughts or feelings behind your actions?  How can we work TOGETHER to create a mutually beneficial exchange here?”

I learned the benefits of asking rather than telling years ago and have found it to be PROFOUND!! I’m always surprised at what I learn when open to listening and I’m not demanding or assuming.  Often, when we feel unheard we wanna jump to shouting out all our demands- this has never worked for me.  Asking what’s behind my partner’s actions and conveying my interpretation of their actions has always blown me away!  Often moves me to tears of warmth, love, connection, and gratitude, actually.

Probably the most common thought I’m seeing is,  “I don’t want to hurt them.  I’m afraid that by expressing my needs or dissatisfaction, they’ll feel hurt.”

Actually, the lack of communication hurts even more.  The distance created by not expressing one’s authentic self creates a “me vs. you” feeling, rather than an “us” or “we” feeling.  Communication is cool, man.  It brings us together. When there is an internal dialogue our partner is completely unaware of, we tend to be experiencing completely different relationships.  Lack of communication and we’re living in separate worlds along side each other. . . which is when we’re feeling lonely while in a relationship.

Remember your “I-statements” from back in the day?  Like, “I feel _____ when you _____ .”  Use them!  It takes the attack out of it.  Please refrain from assumptions and placing blame.  What we feel is influenced by our personal perceptions and our personal histories.  So much more so than our partner’s actions!!  Simply state how you feel and aim to resolve any unwanted thoughts or emotions.

**Newsflash: You’re partner is not out to hurt you!!!!   They LOVE you.  Similarly, there are times when you may need to remind your partner that you LOVE them and that you are not out to deliberately hurt them.

You may even set an intention before the communication.  Something like, “Hey there’s something on my mind and I don’t want it to come off the wrong way.  Can we both sit and focus on our love and all the benefits of this relationship before we start this conversation?”  Or, “My intention with my communication is to bring us closer together.  I love you.  I love and value our connection, partnership, and exchange.  I am communicating my needs to you in effort to preserve the PARTNERSHIP.  Swear, I’m not attacking you!  Swear, I’m trying to shift this dynamic to an US.”

Check-ins are nice.  Weekly or monthly talks.  How you doing?  You happy?  All your needs met?  You satisfied?  What’s your favorite part of our relationship?  What do you think our strengths are?  What’s your least favorite part?  What do you think we gotta work on?

Your partner is with you because they love and value you.  They are choosing to be in this with you.  Let them be in it!  let them participate!  Not fair to try and fix the wrong all by yourself.  Not for you or them.

I think check-ins are best when all is going well.  When we’re in a good place, loving, connecting, laughing, sharing.  We tend to be more open then and less defensive.  We’re in touch with the love of the situation so we’re more likely to interpret all of our loved ones words through the LOVE filter rather than the fear, insecurity, or attack filter.  So, next time you’re laughing, playing, loving, try checking in!