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You love them.  You want the best for them.  Somewhere deep down inside, you have a feeling you may love them more than they love themselves, even.

So, you encourage them, support them, love love and LOVE them.  You forgive them by and by, knowing they’ve never really meant any harm.   They’re acting out because they’ve had a rough day.  They hardly ever follow through with any of their promises because they’re so stressed out.  You get it, so you don’t take it personally.

Do you believe you’re helping this lovely person out by extending as much sympathy?

Do you believe you’re helping yourself out by extending as much sympathy?  I mean, will your needs ever be met this way?

Can I tell you about one of my first loves?  This man LOVED me!  I knew it!  I felt it! And in many, many ways he did a great job of displaying it.  The times he did not do a great job of displaying it, I forgave him.  He’s only human, right?

When he cheated on me and cried his eyes out over it, I actually felt so much sympathy and compassion for him.  I saw right through his actions and knew it was SELF-sabotage.  I could see he was suffering. I knew it wasn’t about the sex or the other girl, but rather about his capacity for happiness.

The better things went between the two of us the more destructive his behavior.  After a while, it started feeling like he was INTENTIONALLY pushing me away and like he was sabotaging our relationship on purpose!

He was suffering.  He was acting out of pain.  All he’d ever known was pain.  I thought I was doing him a favor by relating and understanding.  I really thought I was throwing him a bone and eventually all my love would sink in and he’d act like that magnificent person I knew he really was.

In actuality, I was enabling his destructive tendencies.  I was honoring and validating PAIN and FEAR.  I was totally allowing them to run the show!  His show, our show. . . MY show!

It would have been far more compassionate of me to hold him accountable for his actions!

Had I said, “I understand your pain AND I also know you have the power to transform that pain and be your best self,” I would have given the pain less power.  I woulda handed the power over to LOVE, healing, and transformation.  Had I suggested some books or services that have helped me, rather than just listening to his stories, I would have honored and validated his SPIRIT and his PURE POTENTIAL rather than his pain, fears, and his limiting thoughts.

And had I said, “I can only be with someone who is WILLING to improve themselves,” I would have honored and validated MY SPIRIT and MY PERSONAL GROWTH.

Think about how you are training people to be.  Think about how you are training people to relate to you.

Is it really love-based?  Is it really benefiting them?  Is it really benefiting you?

Usually, the more destructive partner has a really, REALLY huge heart, is beyond charming, can light up a room with a smile and so many other awesome traits.  But they’re stuck in their own lives and as your relationship is an extension of their life, the relationship starts to feel stagnant.  In short, a super awesome person that lacks self-love.

Usually, the more inspired one is super compassionate, has been through a lot of personal growth so they believe in everyone’s pure potential, and is somewhat of a recovering people pleaser, so standing up for themselves is kinda tough.  In short, a super awesome person that lacks self-worth.

Puttem together and you got lots and lotsa love, lotsa fun, and some reoccurring patterns.

Just like rules, I believe patterns are meant to be broken.  It starts with YOU.  Not them.  YOU.  Right here and now.

What do you need out of this relationship?  Can you let them know?  Can you both come up with a game plan that makes you both happy?  Are you both willing to commit to the game plan?

It can be as simple as a weekly date, sending each other inspirational quotes, sharing more laughs together.  Or it may be as intense as couples therapy, coming in for a couples reading, some time apart, actually expressing hurt feelings when they happen and looking at ways to prevent them from happening again.

If you’ve been relating to each other like this for some time, please be patient with the growth and changes.  It may take a few tries to really stick to the new plan.  Support each other in it.  Sounds cheesy, but perhaps a reward system?  Draw up action plans for both parties and every time either one of you acts in alignment with them, you receive a reward from your partner?!  Make it fun!  Make it applicable to you and your unique relationship!  You’ll be creating a positive association with growth in your relationship space.

Lemme know how it goes!